Few minutes after Mrksh sunset

Sunny Marrakesh makes my face a bit red - I finished sunscreen and haven't bought new one. So if I forget to buy it tomorrow, soon the face will be the same colour as all the buildings.

About one month is left, I still have some things to see, some things to finish, some stories to add to my traveller's journal. And I already miss the country, I could imagine myself renting an appartament, driving motorbike and spending evenings near the ocean. I don't know what Russia has for me as an experience, I am even scared, to tell you the truth.

The whole day was spent for walking, cooking and zero thinking. I went to bed at 5 am because couldn't stop reading "The kite runner" which Alyssa left to me. The book that made me cry at every 20th page, that helped me understand how much I have learned in Morocco, that again brought the topic of orphans - it is kind of too much for the past 2 weeks. First Anya, then me, then Pasha, now the book. But when I have smth BIG in mind, I feel more secure about my personal future. Because it is more important - WHY to live than where. I mean this answer 'why' helps me to fight for 'where' and 'what to eat'.

What matters

After I draw with permanent marker russian letters on my keyboard, this blog haven't been updated, however, I am writing more and better in russian now.

What made me back?

Recently I found wiki about SBV business plans competition from Ashoka (or it was Artemisia), which you can join with a team of minimum of 2 ppl. Yes, I have quite long list of "dream team' potential members, but not all of them can read in russian, so in order make it easier for everyone to follow some of my ideas (which in mind are tagged as 'international'), i decided to be back.

But it is not the major reason.

Some of you heared about russian intern in Morocco who is living and working in "charity association for girls in difficult situation" or smth like that. To make the long story short - I finally completed my dream to go to orphanage, look around and think how my future work will impact the future of the kids. The whole thing turned to be deeper that just small "research", but what's more important, it has pushed me to read more, think more about very specific actions that I gonna take. Soon.

So, I got new pieces of the puzzle and now is trying to put them together.
I slept just for few hours last night - we came late from Fes with Alyssa who came to visit me in Morocco, then I put her in train at 7 a.m. and has been surfing in the internet - randomly. At the certain point of time 'surfing' always brings me to UNESCO web-page. I haven't been reading news since December...and you know what?

How much more sense everything has now for me!
Yes, I know what is sub-saharian Africa. Yes, I see the huuuuge difference between upper-middle class i am hanging out with and girls from poor families in association. I have been asking myself - what's gonna happen to them next? Yes, we are bringing interns who teach english and cultural diversity; yes, kids have a bit more chance to get job with basic english, but what kind of job? In a bar? In the hotel? Cleaning the houses? I am not against this kind of job, I am against having NO choice. Just because you were not lucky enough to be born in upper-middle family, to graduate from high school and enter fancy ENSG or IIHEM.

When I now see in the report the illiteracy level in some countries and quality fo education in other, and lack of teachers, it makes me think about reasons and consequenses, not just the fact itself. And emotional connnection with girls from charity makes me think about actions.

Actually, this is why i was writing that I would bring EVERY aiesecer 'to the field' , to SEE and TOUCH the issues we are aimed to solve directly or indirectly, now or in future. It is MUCH more difficult to skip the action if you know the name of the girl you could help (Fatim-Zahra). It is not just 'performance assessment', but kind of human assessment. Yes, I believe in "discover and develop potential" through whatever stuff, but also in a smaaaaaaaal space in busy schedule for the direct actions.

Talking about "having a chance" - what else makes sense is the advice that Martin from Microsoft gave me at IC in Turkey: yes, internships are cool, but look at the existing programs and think how to increase the impact. He meant ICT, I feel the power only now.

Example is simple - through internet we can give access to children to soooo many high-quality things - starting from online lessons to special blogs and testimonials where success stories or advices can be given. 'You are not alone' is the name of PBOX in SPUEF, but if kids from Latin America, Africa, Asia etc could feel the power of network and support from this network, the name would have such a BIGGER sense.

So, lets imagine that each orphanage/poor village in mountains has enough laptops and internet connection. What r the options?
- ah, yeah, teachers gonna steel them
- ah, yeah, kids will find out about games and porn fast and will not study
- etc.

So, we need to have people to
- control the usage of equipment, software and online content
- create the content
- teach basic ICT things
- teach kids how to write & read
- teach kids foreign language
- manage the network in order to capitalize on it
- manage the people in the roles mentioned above

If we have this, it shouldn't be such a big problem to find partners and sponsors.

Here is the opportunity for global organization which has access to high-quality human resources with high mobility, isn't it?

And when I think what kind of impact it may have, it takes my breath away.
Numbers in UNESCO reports.
Choice that people have.
My Fatim-Zahra who could teach dancing, design clothes or become a good director of charity association. Why not?

Chatting

Wow, I have 1 person who is reading my blog - Ira Ruseva! Thank you, I will try to write smth worth reading:)

For example, yesterday I found myself sitting on the table while my neighbour - intern from Russia, Yulia (young blond nice girl) was fixing the windows (it was cold and windy, so we bought lockers). Nothing special? Ok, follow the thought:
I changed wallpapers at MC kitchen before MCP term (I went to the market, bought them, glue, came home and organized the process).
I (IIIIII!!!!) was doing such kind of stuff. Always. 100%. Is it personal growth - stop worring about everything and let someone else to be "a man"? Ha-ha, whatever. I feel guilty sometimes, but it is significant improvement - dont consider every earthquake as a personal failure.


Guys, I really admire Marjam, I would call her "pure wisdom" which is nothing more than ability to admire, learn and be grateful. Babe, your writing is amazing. If you need a reference for a book "5 steps to absoute happinness" (which you will write one day and which will become the first book ever which make you happy even when you read it), let me know. I cant guarantee that I will become a Very Important Person so soon, but we can always write smth like "Siberian monk" under my picture (lies, but ppl like it).
Yes, random. We all know, that stories we have "in the pockets" from inside of our jackets, closer to hearts, so noone can steal them, are much more simple and quite "spicy": no mint sirup, but a big spoon of misunderstanding, loss, pain, disappointment. After we accept, smile and love - only then become attractive as "spiritual teachers". But will you buy a book with disclaimer "fail, cry, be happy" until you have already fall and cried?

Someone is pretending to be deep. Yes, right. Sorry, I am back to every-day-life.

So, day after tomorrow is SALARY - such a sweet word. Still nothing is clear with my work/internship, so a huuuge amount of money will be spent for basic food as bread and milk. Btw, white bread is VERY tasty here.

I need to live the country in 1 month, because I dont have visa, so the closest destinations to go for few days and come back are Spain, Italy and France. But it seems that I am going to Italy because of visa and tickets. ha-ha. All roads lead to Rome (or how it says?) If the plan works out, I will see a lot of beloved ppl and come back to catch Ira in her Moroccan trip.
Sounds good? Yes! Even the thing that I havent decide about my "future plans" doesnt make me feel worse.

Born to be random, right:)

Sun is back!

I love sunday morning in Rabat - when the streets are empty and white city is full of sun.
I feel better, finally, so can take Yulia to medina, look for the prices in dance academy and prepare for the PROPER new year celebration (russian style) tomorrow or on tuesday.
Life is getting better, after a week of being sick, a bit disappointed and simply freezing in appartement without central heating.
It seems that I am starting to teach english next week (hopefully!) so will have a bit of extra-money and valuable experience (which I must get if I want to start my own school in future).
On Tuesday I met one of the alumni, who works in media agency - 2,5 hours talking about media, western sahara issue, documentaries, photography, movies. It seems that I take for granted all the amazing people and discoveries I met and faced in Morocco.

Anya told that fairy-tale needs another chapter, so i wrote it yesterday (extremely ego-centric, as usual), but the important shift is that the end of one story is actually the beginning of another one. It doesnt necessary require from the hero the CHANGE. There is no 'new life in 2009', every day is a change.

Cold evening in Rabat

New Year has started with quite a few love stories, the feeling that I love someone so much follows me on a rainy day in a bus to suburb, in our cold flat when I am staying home because I am sick, when I am chatting in a strange mix of english and french with shopkeeper whom we always buy bread from. This feeling has a lot in common with grattitude to God for being alive, for having one more second, one more day, few words from the other side of the ocean...

If you ask, how much time in Morocco before...to personal, sorry.

So, almost 2 months I am here, so far it has been new, amazing, difficult, cold, soft, funny, "nice" - we call it that way, right, kid? "Cool" - and this way, right, Simo?

Connections - this is the right word. I am lost in all these threads which tie us together, I dont remember who belongs to whom and it finally makes everything easier: here is me, here is world, I love you, world.

The story about our live in Morocco is on the way - with all its cocktails, all hugs, all sunsets, all tears, all walks through medina.

How does the way look like?

On weekend I was studying, cleaning my flat and my mind, walking around the city.

If you turn left on the corner of jewish cemetry and go down, cross the wide street and follow the narrow street, where crowds of men are sitting in cafes even when it is raining, and big drops make your umbrella wet even from inside... There will be an Ocean: loud, grey, cold. Turn left, next 500 meters the ocean will be on the right side, cemetry on the left, Oudaya - in front. You will pass surf club with such a big windows, that the ocean is the only thing you see, you would love to live there, right? Wake up, take your tea, stare at the waves... You go farther, under the rain, cross the street in front of Oudaya (boys are playing footbool near the gates, between unbelievably-green palm-trees and orange wall), find a small hole between the houses that will lead you to medina - more touristic first, and authentic if you turn in right place. You will look just forward, to avoid all these "bonjour! sava?" from people. At home, absolutely wet, tired, happy, you will sit at the balcony and look how light of the setting sun paints St.Pierre cathedral with yellow.
***

Strange dreams for the last week - I see or beloved people whom I lost or unknown men who are taking care of me.
***

I miss tea. 10 bags of Earl Gray Twinnings costs around 1,5 euro, but even it doesnt smell and taste like real tea. Oh yes, in Russia we Drink Tea.
***

Lost. But Katya Kh. brings inspiration, as usual.

The Lessons

So. I am still in Marrakesh and I am much better. Two lazy evenings with Harry Potter books and I feel more or less "whole" again. Besides reading HP I was leading LC meeting in Menara, planning with EB, saw the main square at noon and at night, visited palace and Menara itself. And also did some online job. "Give yourself time" works pretty well, I just need stop feeling guilty for this sometimes.

People in Russian MC are AMAZING, and - refering to on of November posts - they have gender balance and THIS is the answer on the question "what does country needs". It needs balance. Stop going to extremes, we all built quite sustainable and healthy organizm and can invest in smth else than "saving someones asses".

Ok. Enough. I am going to sleep and you can enjoy few pics made by LCPs cell phone camera (I took only Lomo, so my weird pics will be later)

One month after my 24th birthday

Contraversial feelings: Ira may be will fly from London to Morocco in Feb, I am sitting in a very beautiful house in Marrakesh, looking at swimming pool and listening to one very talented young russian poet.
I didnt do almost anything today - yesterday, calling to my father (20 dirhams for 6 minutes, three hours difference, + 9 degree outside in small city Settat) just to remind about one of my requests, Ive heard from him that my grandma died. I walked 50 meteres to Yassins appartements, went to my room and was crying, crying, crying. He was hugging me; telling that I am stronger than it.
I am asking the God, what for? Why? Why by call or sms from thousands kilometers away, I learn about someones death? You never know, but last time it happened just half a year ago, when I was in Poland, at the first day of the conference. Now - right in the middle of the LC visits. Tell me, why? To save myself from fear and sleepless nights through my responsibility towards those, who are alive? To have more angels around, who can make me smile, can hug me, bring a cup of hot tea? Why?
Marina and unexpectedly Vlada in skype yesterday, thank you so much for your words.
My train to Marrakesh was almost 1 hour late, at midnight, my mp3 player didnt work, so I spent 2,5 hours alone, hiding under sleeping mask that Boni gave me as a present. Night sightseeing tour by car: medina, Mamounia, Kutubia, red walls around - totally different, than Rabat. Room, climate system, two blankets, I am alone at home.
I will send outputs, but I dont want to do anything right now, ok? May I have some time? What should I learn? Is it a "school" for keeping balance in any situation? I was so self-confident and happy, I was approving members in myaiesec.net, I was... Everything sounds like an excuse not to work today, but give me time, dear, give me time. There is no time, only "now", so what are u asking for, babe?
***

I bought tickets and went to Neman, to visit her, just for four days in august, we were drawing on the big map her War experinces, she remembered even the names of small stations near Krasnoyarsk, she presented me sleeping dress, and eventhough I dont like to sleep in clothes, I did it for her, I bought photoframes to put our family pictures, she was calling to my Mom, eventhough my parents divorced more than 10 years ago and dont even want hear about each other, and my mother respected her so much, she was the one, who took me-baby in her hands soon after I was born, she was asking me about boyfriend and I asked her to live at least till my children would go to school. Last year she visited all her 5 children and 2 sisters in different cities in Russia. I know, that memories will make me cry, but thats the only thing I still have, I am afraid to stay alone and I dont whant to see anyone, because I cant bother them crying.
I am so far from my family, my mom who lost her job and my dad who lost his mother. I cant sit and cry with my aunt, just hug her and dont explain how I feel.
***

Ja sizhu v krasivom dome v marrakeshe naprotiv bassejna i voju, skulu, kak sobaka.

Teriaet samoobladanie pri zvukah flejti

Many of them can drive car, most are hospitable but closed - what you see is not everything they feel.
I tolko vot ne nado menia zabotlivo priobnimat, ja zhe budu grustit potom, potomu chto takaja postojannaja zabota razdrazhaet vkusovie rezeptori i ti prosto medlenno shodish s uma. Potomu chto oni dlia tebie - vse, chto est rodnogo v etoj strane, a ti dlia nih - prosto eshe odin MC international. It is something important to learn. I ja ponimaju, pochemu Sashka vozvrashaetsa v Sri-lanku tak chasto v poslednee vremia.
U menia shikarnij playlist, krasaviza-Sara, VPOGX, pohozhij na Khodorkovskogo, demonicheskij LCP i kudriavaja devochka-uragan. A ja prosto glupo vizzhu ot vostorga. A zavtra delat LC Visit. Ha-ha.

Small notes

When I was crossing square this morning, right in the middle I noticed a small white kitten with red and grey spots. Three-colores cats are usually "girls". So I saw little girl-kitten in Rabat, a bit lost, but enjoying, jumping, exploring.
***

After I changed my last 20 euro and was crossing street on the way to the bus stop, the first thing I saw was green advertisment on the building "kinesthetic therapy" (or smth similar), yeah, I should spend my 216 dihrams for it. I hope it is the place, where nice people hug you, "gladiat po golove i cheshut za ushkom".
***

I have no idea how I look like - there is no lights in bathroom and the only mirror we have is there. So I check my makeup only looking in car mirrors on the street. And I dont know if I am already fat or still have chance:)
***

I was flying from Germany with Ryanair, so had 15 kg limit for my luggage. You can guess, that I dont really have clothes here.
***

Magic is all around! And here comes the note for "harry potter" fans: traditional morrocan clothes is smth like "robe" from HP - it is long, the same for men and women, you wear it on your clothes and it has "kapushon" (sorry for russian), so when its windy or cold, or raining half of the city looks like wizardz:)
***

And the last note is for Sidorova
Yesterday, going by bus to the office I have noticed a white horse on the field. Today there were two "baby-horses" with her. So peacful and beautiful.

Small things

Enough AIESEC stuff. A bit about my life here.

I live in Hassan, which means quite close to downtown - just 5 minutes walk from central station, main street and 10 minutes from Hassan tower. But it is different than in Russia - the coolest and richest neighborhoods are FAR from medina (old city). In Russia it is opposite - closer to Kremlin you live, the better and more expensive. Definetely, "Rublevka" is a very special part of the city, but I am talking about appartements, not houses now. Most of the fancy cafes and other "going out" places are in Agdal, as I could notice (btw, taxi from Agdal to Hassan is about 5 dihrams, half a euro, so for me as former Moscow citizen it doesnt really matter).

It is not warm at all today. Comparing to summer. Comparing to Moscow in december, it is hot;) Because when it is raining for two days, but rain drops fall on palm-trees and other greenish-green flora, you cant complain:)

I am buying stuff by myself and cooking, so far using supermarkets mostly (my french didnt go farther than "cafe au lait", still afraid to start speaking). But Simo tells that I am answering "sava" in french way, so may be soon i will reach fluent french, ha-ha.

Actually, I am starting to love my new team (I was extremely jelaous, when my former MC-members were telling this about their previous and new teams, and now telling so by myself). They are nice people, all special. But, to tell the truth, even more disorganized than anything you could imagine (I am talking to Russians), CEE approach is REALLY something "3 concrete points" and DIFFERENT from other GNs I have been working or talking so far.

Back to life - every morning I start with home-made orange juice: buy 6 fresh oranges for 2,6 dihrams = 10 rubles, cut one, squeeze, enjoy.
Whats more - we have such a huge "salon" - living room in our flat, with 3 sofas, that It even looks like "have party here!" My life is not balanced yet, so I am mostly working for AIESEC, instead of hosting parties or studies. Sometimes I am scared of how little time I have and how many things want to do...

By the way, it seems that on Sunday I am going to Marrakech and Settat for LC visits. Wohooooo!
***

I am in Morocco.
Marjam in Malaysia.
Maso in Australia.
Janie in Pakistan.
Ivan in Belgium.
Ira in UK.
Jerry in Stockholm.

Who else from CEE Leadership team 07-08 is doing what?

Our todays future

So. I downloaded all Russian-MC applications and even read MCPs block.

Few general notes: finally we have guys applying to MC. How much time, efforts and luck it has taken from different generations: recruit them, provide opportunities for development on local level, bring role-models, raise-up successful LCPs and LC VPs, and now these amazing people are applying to MC. Rinat, Ruslan, Pavel (and Vic) I wish you all the best and consider you as strong candidates.

Dont be surprised that I am talking so much about gender balance - based on my personal experience, I see that men and women DO perceive things differently, think differently. It is not about the logic (here is the leader Masha Isaeva and noone can prove me the opposite), it is about the expectations that russian society has towards you. You are raised up with the inner feeling and it cant be changed even by few years of powerful leadership XP in AIESEC. Talking about expectations of society I link it with the line from AIESEC Way (positive impact on society), which means that girls and boys will be different leaders, different change agents for society. So far, AIESEC Russia succeeded in female leadership mostly.
So, if we are unconciously trying to fulfull expectations, it means we are disigning our AIESEC XP in a certain way and whats more, being MC we are moving whole organization based on our perception of ideal AIESEC XP.

Ok, more general notes: for the last three years that I am reading MC applications, there are two "things to improve" which I found in each and every application:
- AIESEC Russia brand in the network
- internal communication

And as nothing has changed since 2006 I came to conclusion that these points are bullshit.

About AIESEC Russia image I have mentioned already in previous post - untill it doesnt stop us from X growth, I dont care about the image. Look, if supply-demand are managed properly and X reflect external trends, there shouldnt be any problem with matching. There is only one reason for me to agree with this "aiesec russia brand" thing - if it allows our members to have better experiences. But looking at results of previous years, even now it is possible to become global coordinator, MCP or MC abroad, global teams etc.

About internal communication. Personal relations between members are much closer than I saw in many countries even though we see each other few times a year. In Russian reality it is simply impossible to gather people each weekend, like in Morocco (Rabat is 1 hour from Casablanca). As for virtual communication, reason of low activity is not the lack of infrastructure (vkontakte is updated veeery quickly), but low networking skills (when the goal of communication is not blah-blah, but mutual benefits) and low innovation around JD. It is not about joining "Pimp myaiesec.net" campaign, but coffees and lunches with IBLF, IAESTE and AEGEE, Rotaract and AYL members, about sending "thank you" letters to Business Battle and enjoying the process.

Remember, I am just old bithchy MCP, dont judge strictly:)

About the MCP candidates.
I am confused. All different, all equal. The main decision that AIESEC Russia should take is about the direction for next year, not the personality.
What do we need more? Inspiration? Value-based leadership and strong analysis? Immediate action? Pride and image-building?
I totally agree about "mind-shift" which happend in last year (starting from UBS award, Mauricio at NatCo and Big numbers, strong MC candidates, russians abroad and big number of raised in spring, Breakthrough attitude of MC team and Li Zhen at Plan-it, remarkable growth in Q3 and good representation at IC 08...), but what is next?
Sustainability and consistency is not easy decision, because you may not get results immediately. But what can be more exiting than dare to create future by ourselves, not just follow, than be consistent with AIESEC way in all our actions? And at the same time to be able think fast and create solutions wich will be bringing growth.

Lost. Episode 1.

In the office - wet shoose after walking in Medina, Sinatra in earphones (i was singing this "fly me to the moon" song all the morning).

Ira wrote that I feel insecure. I never do. No, I am not self-confident at all. I can fight FOR the things or people I love, but if you tell me to fight against someone just for myself, I would most probably loose. There are moments of happy enlightment when I feel that the purpose of life is just to live but they dont last long.

Another thing that came to my mind today, when I woke up after 9 hours of strange dreams caused by 2 anti-flu pills and two cups of strong tea with lemon and eukalypt honey (i am a bit sick after the conference - it was fucking cold at night), so the though was about relationships - more and more I feel like a "hunter" whose main driver is to run, shoot, catch. Hunter doesnt do it because of hunger. And less "tools" you use, the more interesting is the hunting.

When I say that I believe in people it has nothing to do with trust - I believe that everyone has talent, unique abilities and I feel rewarded when people realize their potential with a bit of my help or advice. But it doesnt mean that I easily make "life-time friendships" - and what is more painful is when you mix first with second. When you fall in love with idea of someones happiness and work towards it, but start thinking it is real friendship. It is not. And as soon as "project" is realize, you do not need each other any more.

Markelova is in Brazil, Marjam is in Malaysia, I am in Morocco.
Oh, people, I am so lost and need hugs so much! My kinesthetic nature is crying for physical contacts, but untill you know the meaning of it in the context, better not take risks.

Back to "me"

I am not a native English speaker and I love blogging. I live abroad, and have many friends who don’t speak Russian. I think Aigul can understand me better than others – you just love a taste of your mother language, but English allows you to “talk” to more people. So you write in both languages.

I am in Morocco for one week, but it feels like I am here for ages. Re-integration to AIESEC and adaptation to local culture is pretty intensive, but enjoyable so far.

Few things:
I just came back from the national conference – 250 delegates, ocean just 5 minutes walk away, EB track, My AIESEC story session. There was a moment when I felt like completely loosing the empathy, ability to feel the audience, kind of intuition “what will work”. But as I am staying quite cold-headed and don’t judge myself as strictly as last year, I enjoyed it. People are the same as in any country, their motives are different. If you can understand WHY they behave in certain manner, the dialogue becomes much more constructive. But my concern is that answering “WHY” question as an “absolutely objective” point of view we use ours. It shouldn’t work if I am right. But it is. Looking for the answer.

In general conference was good, messages delivered (so funny, there we two sessions on the last day – one mine, another done by Youssef. Whatever they were about, the main message and main question was “what you gonna do TOMORROW to write your AIESEC story and contribute to Growth?” It seems to me that AIESEC oldies have allergy to all these blah-blah “we are the family”. If you don’t do anything, AIESEC itself will not exist, so really care about the family means not to talk and send nice letters, but work for reason of existence), some of the delegates extremely brilliant and nice, people smiling and open, MANY can sing really well, I am starting to love my new MC team.

About “take it easy” stuff and my CEE soul: we didn’t have pre-meeting, I could never find OC, delegates were always late, at faci-meetings we could discuss sugar-cubes for 20 minutes in French (which made me mad), but didn’t say a word about the content of the session as well as about the level of preparation. They say, that European culture is much more “individualistic”, but I noticed that we use “collective intelligence” much more, giving inputs for each others sessions (content, delivery etc.) Another funny thing is in every country people prioritize things in a different way. For example, in Russia delegates would complain that there was not enough water, that parties were short, that there were not enough rooms for tracks and some were sitting outside in darkness. But here main complaints were: food and a big amount of information. By the way, food is just AWESOME. Can you imagine, having rice with seafood and fried small fishes, and vegetable soup for dinner? And huge plate of vegetables for lunch as a starter? Everything is served on big plates in the middle of the table and then everyone takes as much as he needs. Bread is delicious (French influence – croissants, pane chocolat are also good) and I am eating too much of it, so don’t be surprised to see more of “me” in some parts of my bodyJ

I have a lot of job here. I mean I can potentially have, because at the end of the day you can’t do everything. I need to solve it, otherwise will die for AIESEC Morocco and will need to take a rest again after the term.

Yesterday, after coming back from conference (LCP lost keys from the car, so we were first freezing outsides with Regula and Youssef, without food, late for the train. Then Regula and me moved inside and was watching Sex and the City episode while guys tried to solve car issue), so when we were finally back, changed clothes fast and were chilling in cafes for next 3 hours, trying to talk about whatever but aiesec. We failed few times (the longest “non-aiesec” part was when Regula was explaining me smth about Kerling which she was practicing for 9 years). And all these AIESEC discussions (for sure, we continued chatting with Regula at home), mainly about steering team, subcommittees, MCPs, AI, strategies, made me think if actually people are different? Or each MCP wants to lead “a country with name” and be recognized as really strong leader, strategist blah-blah by AI (even though if you ask, MCPs ALWAYS have a lot of complaints towards AI). What I mean by “different” – may be putting the interests of network, countries higher than personal ambitions in strategies implementation (because some of them are based on whatever analysis and don’t take into consideration REAL situation in some countries or areas). Yes, the “big boss” feeling is an amazing one, and I still think that each MCP has huuuge EGO and we (they) are comparing “who’s the coolest man in the network” – even if they (we) are women. Another funny thing is “and after his term everything crashed. So am starting from the beginning” – definitely we are better, that previous MCP and we (two of us, who are talking) much smarter than anyone in the network.

And that’s what surprises me about Russians (MCPs, MC etc.) – we don’t have a habit to show off. May be its in country’s culture (individuality was not appreciated in soviet period), but getting to know other countries I see more and more clearly, that there are a lot of things we do better. But where are GCPs from Russia? Search, you’ll not find many. May be we don’t like to share? Not really, otherwise so many cool people would not go abroad for MCs. How can you transmit your ideas and share experience with the network? Be in global teams. But if you haven’t traveled for the conferences/CEEDs a lot, people don’t know you (for us it’s quite expensive to travel a lot, takes much time and requires visa for almost any country). If you don’t have country brand, you’ll never be in global teams (don’t tell me about results – average Russian LC is doing quite well), so you’ll stay in your country with your perfect skills of virtual management and communication, experience of working in diverse and big teams and being really good in LC coaching (you don’t have choice to be bad, if you see the LC for 3 days two times a year). And you know what? Russia itself doesn’t really needs a brand as a country. We don’t have problems with making AIESEC happen in the country staying “big country with huge potential”, but AIESEC network could benefit much more from AIESEC Russia.

Last year I sometimes felt like “stop f***ing my brains” – all these Very Important Questions, which, to tell the truth, either pushed by AI and anyway will be accepted, or are so important that even don’t have follow-up after, or just lacking transparency and you know only the final outcome, not how and why decision has been made. No-no, I don’t want to discuss it, I am simply bithchingJ (to think what can be changed I should last year. But I was young and had too many important things to care about in my country). Just came to my mind - when you are MCP, you are on the one hand is trying to be “friends” with AI, on the other, have a long list of “things to change” but not so much time. As soon as you are inside AI, you have different role and again has too many things to find time for that “long list of complaints” and… why should you care?

Why am I thinking about it? Disappointed with AIESEC? Not really. Too much “in”? No. Most probably, my stupid habit to care about whatever I am doing. Just need to find a way to distinguish right things from random things.

P.S. Here they cut my name from Anastasia to Ana, which sounds exactly like “me” in Arabic.
P.P.S. Markelova is in Brazil. Cool. Three people from MC 0607 are in Latin America, two people from MC 0708 are in Africa.

Personal underground

I am back again. I cant type password from russian blog at this french keyboard, so it forces me to write in english again.
However, I checked the previous post qnd its quite logical to say that...

Nastya is in Morocco.

My plane landed on Sunday, 4 days ago. First thing that I saw getting off the Ryanair plane was a palm tree. Small airport of Fez, decorated with traditional mosaic and the sunset. Eventhough I didnt get any message from Youssef and didnt know if anyone gonna meet me, it was not important at all. I am here.
The inner solitude which I feel from Frankfurt is still disturbing me; making me do stupid stuff (you know that I was just downloading UNESCO Educational reports at my first day in the office? Thats it.), it sometimes feels like being soooo lonely. More than I could ever imagine.
No-no, I am not complaining at all, but this "silent" period which I always have in the beginning of something new THIS TIME is different. Because there are no usual things around, at least one, which could be my life vest before I learn how to breath again.

People speak french, fast, move around, loud, extremely familiar (here is the proof to my theory that I dont make difference between people, treat them equally, feel that we all are from one huge "human tribe").
I have AIESEC re-integration period, which means that I need new ends to tie with sensitive ones that I have still from my "old AIESEC life". Oh, God, I could not imagine that someone may change so much, may feel himself more mature and lost at the same time.

Take your time, babe, take one more moroccan mint tea, let the sun play on your face, wear sunglasses in order not to get early wrinkles.

Ah, people, before you go and try stuff, before you open your heart, before you stay still, look, listen, forgive, stop judging others and yourself you will never get an answer.
What is the answer?

The answer, asalways, is love. You know, when Super Hero saves the world, there is the moment when the world is just saved and right after, in few seconds, comes husge, screen-size love. I saved the world already. Dear viza God (we have strong relations with you), follow the logic, please.
***

People are dark-heared, curly, girls are beautiful. I bought some food, feel better, dont miss the Love so much any more.

People

It's Friday evening, I'm sitting at my P&G desk still talking to Marina about love. There is big question "How should I behave?" being asked by "female leadership" of former MC, which has millions of answers - logical, proven, well-known. And only one right: live, don't be afraid to feel. I'm extremely boring with this, I know, but today, in the break at the kitchen I noticed that I write in a different way to my blog (russian one): I describe facts much more than before but there is almost nothing that makes my heart beat faster, that makes me feel again and again as for the first time. "Power of minds" is extremely interesting thing to explore, but I didn't write short stories for AGES, eventhough heroes were usually not real and a bit stupid:)

***

And yes, I'm going to Morocco for 6 months.

And everything that happened to me seems to be so right!

Evolution

Once, my friend and teacher told that she didn't really notice me when I approached her for the first time.

"Nothing special, not really beautiful kid.". - Yeah, I never been a princess. Neither now:)

"But then I saw that kid has amazing eyes." - I reacted first like "at least something". but then, looking at kids while working at school I understood what she ment. There are not so many kids who look and see. Sense of reality and reflection of personality comes later.

Here is the evolution of myself from 1,5 till 23:)

In early childhood I was very active, smily, healthy child. I didn't like photos but now love myself at this picture with blue dress with plums. Here I am 1,5 years old.

At 2 (what a surprise!) I was read-haired boy. Yes, picture is made at New Year performance where I most likely was "guy-character", but I wonder if people on the streets called me "he"?

At 3 I was a girl already. Quite nice one. Still didn't like to be at pictures.

And at 4 I'm lady. I was fighting for the role of squirrel at NY'89 party (they tried to force me to be a christmas tree as I was quite tall already. Who cares - I was just nice big squirrel).

And just to compare - 20 years later. (I haven't become more beautiful and sometimes think and behave like 3 years old boy, preffer animals to trees, fight for what I want and usually take pictures instead of being present on them.) aha, I'm back to my 1985 haircut:)

Morning newspapers

I spent about 10 minutes for scanning photos, but what I got were just black&white pdf files. As if my friends were looking at me from old newspapers. In 20 years it will become true.

As a box of chocolate

From early memories about Ira Ruseva:

*She was chairing my first conference - AIESEC ICE in 2004, Moscow. I was positively surprised with the fact that she is bulgarian, but speaks perfect Russian.

*Another memory is from January meeting when she came for elections and stayed till next morning when teamleaders were presenting the results (actually, no results). She was leaving the plenary when one of them told

- And my team is the most friendly and the real team etc. etc. etc.,

- How many exchanges did you realize? - asked Ira

- Not yet

- Will talk about quality of your team after you do some. - told Ira and disappeared in snowy january morning.
*Third time was at my LC elections, after Q&A session (I'm lucky to have people whose opinion I value seeing me making speaches. It doubles the dose of adrenalin in blood), when she told:- You were ok. Confident. (should I mention that she was driniking milkshake and eating cheaps or pop-corn at the moment?:)
*And the fourth time I want to tell about was at my first Plan-it in a role of MC member. When I thought that everything is going wrong and nobody cared, and I was crying in her room about it. How naive it was.

Actually, I wanted to reflect a bit on different thing, not our story with Ira:)

Looking back, I'm smiling - how many things seemed for us the mountains we never gonna climb, or BIG achievements we want to have in "portfolio". Like become a teamleader. Or go to IC. Or apply for MCP. And we left them behind. It was so obvious WHERE to go, it just seemed high. Now nothing seems high, but where is this mountain I want to climb? We already have money for cool tracking boots but sometimes too heavy to move asses from office chairs.

At my early -teens first cereals cooked at open fire were amazing, first kisses were events to discuss, run barefoot in the forest was okay.

At my early twenties I easily read James Oliver in english and argue sometimes, don't think that random sex is for me and is afraid of bugs and snakes in the tent.

Again, the story was supposed to be about losses. Let's leave it for another time. But I'll finish with positive "thank you" to life which always gives us what we truly want (in the meaning of "even if we pretend to desire smth else"). Some of you know my applying-to-AI story. One of the small nice things I wanted to have is recognition from my team (I remember Ivan's photo with cake with "AI" sign after he was elected made by his team). And you know what? I was so stressed with two upcoming conferences, with news about L.T. ilness, that even didn't think about this "team" stuff at the moment when recieved negative answer. And one of the most amazing moments - just few minutes after I told them, people from two teams (we had transition then) came all together, huged me and presented a box of chocolate. I shared it with them. Because, these AIESEC XPs are the things I'm in AIESEC. Not AI.

P.S. Do you know what I'm listening to now? "Lucky I'm in love with my best friend" - depends, yeah?:)

When Moscow is OK

As you know, it was raining hard yesterday. Nevertheless I crossed Triumpth square to find cosy sofa in the corner of so called "city cafe". Lesha is one of the best people to meet unexpectedly in the end of the working day, walk in the city, talk and create some stupid jokes (which definetly include kidding at each other).We walked down the Sadovoe ring, took on the way cookies in Volkonsky (fucking expensive, but really nice bakery on the corner) and two big cappuchino take-away in Coffee-house. Everything was eaten and drunk near the water of the pond where you should "never talk to strangers":) It seems to me that some of my friends are now in such beautiful mood when you almost found the way in life. I mean smth what you REALLY want to do, what makes you happy. Again, it's just a feeling (which in my case is more trustworthy than logic:)So, Ira, Alexandra and Lesha, I wish you all the luck, confidence and inspiration. I DO love when people are "at the right place" (I even physically feel other's happiness).
This is the moment - when you walk in wet and warm evening, when you have favourite places and stories to remember, when you have cup of coffe in your hand, when you are in the beginning of smth new. That is the moment when Moscow is OK.
***

Another thing is about love (in the meaning "relationships") Yes, it has always been "another thing" for me. Less important. Even with "minus". Even with "no-no-no" in my head when I think about "we". I easily live and smile, and fall in love with people, places, teams, etc. etc. But however I never wanted to be associated with somebody or something. Strange.
***

And I just understood that I didn't make a haircut, but I have cut my hair. The difference is in creating smth new or deleting smth old.

Coming back

Hello. It's raining hard in Moscow, almost dark at 7 p.m. and I've just created a list of things "do now". Usually it's too long to be done "now", but actually it means not "fast" but "move your ass". So, I moved (btw, Banan cake was not tasty) and found passwords from both of my blogs.
Here is the link for two notes in another one.
http://anastasia-gulyavina.blogspot.com/

Ok. I don't feel multiplied any more.

What I noticed today is that my P&G internship is not a "job" or "tasks", but an experience or it's just one of the competences developed in AIESEC - look at things in their complexity.

I need to run, I think. Or try to call Ira. Ah! And pay for my Koenig tickets.

Missing Sense of Life somewhere in Jet lag

It's extremely difficult for me to write in english now. Two reasons for it:
- after EuroCo I feel that my level of english is "not enough".
- i feel like i'm putting pieces of Lego together: nice, intersting but will never be real cosy house that you can create from match-boxes.
***

Today I woke up at 7 a.m. , disappointed, sad, loosing sense of life.
It happens sometimes: I look at Myself and can't find anything to love this person for. I look at all my mistakes, failures, "not dones" and feel "not good enough" to be with people who call me "friend", "daughter", "president".

Istanbul in my heart

IC is again the experience which turns everything up side down and creates from "me-material" something totally different.
Few dozens of munites ago it was hardly raining in Istanbul after almost 10 extremely hot days.
We were sitting in cafeteria talking to John from Canada about "how is it - when you see your LCPs three times a year..." and the rain was falling... I see MCPs more often that LCPs.
It's an amazing experience - better than anything I could imagine. Life is beautiful. lights of Istanbul at night, Bosphorus in the morning. I feel like on the island in the ocean - isolation. When you starting to learn from yourdelf. It seems, that I'm becoming more and more self-focused...

Midnight talks

Yesterday's evening (even night) was amazing: I took a cup of mint tea and we continued conversation with Katya at the playground in the yard. We started it in the shopping center, eating susi after almost one month of silence.

Why silence?

She told me almost the same things as Deniss wrote after Summeet - concerning our team, relations, people's feelings. But I've had some time to think about it already, so it didn't hurt so much. Actually, I re-discovered for myself the power of talking to people. Asking questions and being truly interested. In a flood of stupid administrative work I sometimes miss the feeling of Life.

The thing we discussed at the playground was "the way to challenge". Generally, the conclusion is simple: sometimes you are challenged when you don't expect at all, but you can increase the number of challenges by creating new experiences for yourself. And it should be the way you like the most: talking to people (as Katya Kh.), participating in all possible task forces and working groups (as I do), extreme sports (some of my friends). If the experience of deep conversation doesn't mean so much for you, go for smth else! I noticed, that I often judge my experience using the criteria of others which is totally not right.

I still can't imagine IC. I already have a lot of working meetings, but what I need is smth more spiritual, than "how to work with growth center". Probably, I'll not apply for Diversity Management just to keep some time for myself. Fuck off.

Today I was doing almost nothing (conciously), except talking to Lena and replying some mails. I went to the cinema (movie Stardust), bought green skirt (I miss red t-shirt! And sunglasses!) and ate a half of the cake (my dinner).

About "Stardust" - one moment which almost made my cry: heroes are going to one place, to get smth important for each of them and there is fucking beautiful landscape and extremely strong feelings (whatever was it: love, willing of power, anger...) When did I have such a strong feelings last time? My closest friend is my laptop. I saw lanscape which made me gasp in Egypt last time. Not so bad, but I don't want my life to be like this.

Sunday sea dreams

I planned to work today. It's already 1 p.m., I'm still reading my notes from university, trying to strengthen the intention to graduate finally this year.

Topic of my relations with university is very painful still... Ok, starting the story from the very beginning:

I started my 10 amazing schoolyears earlier than my classmates, as I have a birthday in autumn and was smart enough to pass exams to the best school in the city when I was 6. I always was a good pupil - not really hard-working, but smart, curious, talkative and that's usually enough for school, even such cool one as I had. I also was striving for more than endless homeworks - sports, dancing classes, intellectual competitions. In secondary school I was involved in many extra-curriculum activities which finally influenced my grades in diploma (or how is this document called?). I was not excellent, cause I didn't put ANY efforts in studying, I was just very good and had fun. I was not among the most popular girls or bookworms. I was (and, hopefully am) the person you'll never mix with someone else. Unique. I was building my life in a special way, unconsiously. Probably, I'd be nice character for some hollywood movie (romantic one) as a best-friend of the Girl:)

So, I am perfectionist in a way... Ok, as I was accepting anything but the best in my life (if write in school newspaper that to have personal column at first page and special awards at annual ceremony...) I decided to pass exams to the only University - Moscow State, faculty of journalism which is the best in the country. I became a student. It was also easy. (Later I entered two more universities: PR department in Krasnodar Technical University and Sociology in State University of Management. But quit because one was boring, another didn't want me to study in Moscow at the same time).

So, first and second years were ok. After I found smth more interesting to do in life. Work in PR-agency, in AIESEC, travel a lot (right during exams time). And I found out that I suck in "must do" things which I don't care about. My university was already thinking if they need such a student - showing up once a year, passing exam with good mark and leaving in unknown direction.

The situiation is still the same - I have a looong list of exams to pass and just 15 + 15 days during next 4 months when I will be in Moscow. It doesn't mean that I'm free - I still have some MCP job to do:) But at least city is the same.

Why is the topic painful? Because all the aiesecers manage to study very good, sometimes even in two universities. And me, such a smart girl, who is still going higher with her dreams, who is ready to conqure the world, is the Worst Student Ever.



Here is my confession. True. You can delete me from your friendlist now.

Spagetti with garlic

Again here. It was advice from Marjam to make this blog more "alive".
I hate my writing in english, but it's the only way to see h0w small is my vocabulary and how much I should practice. If I want one day to write something except AIESEC manuals.
It was long and boring introduction. Sorry for that, Marjam, probably you thought it'd be better:)
***

Chatting with Ira always brings me some positive emotions:
- discussing top-10 IPM guys with beer, sitting in two different countries
- hugging virtually, althoug I know, that when girl says "I want somebody hugs me" she doesn't mean me:)
- remembering one-year-ago Poland, long way from dorm to plenary, short phrases, rain...

There are some people who make me smile and believe in myself. Why not everybody does?
***

Deniss just moved to the new flat. Hope, he can see mountains from the window. Just because I know it'll make him feel good. You see, there are moments when I'm so positive that just want to spread it around. A bit of sleep, few conversations and sunny day. That's it.
And I'll even notice the hands touching my shoulder when I'm sad, I'll feel how much I want to dance doesn't matter how good I am in dancing, how easy I can tell...
***

Turkey seems to happen in a week. We still don't have money (issues with bank accout) and I have no idea how to borrow more than 13000 euro from alumni. Shit.

A year

After "getting wasted" part of creating Vision with my MC team Marina and me were coming back home - drunk, happy, discussing guys. I could never imagine that in one year my attitude to some people will change so much.
I switched on my laptop, as usual, as I do anytime I enter this flat which is my "home" for almost a year already. Marjam was online. She is one of the most amazing people I've met at IPM. And Albert was online.
The main thing that happend with me in 06/07: people.

A.R.

Even doing something the-first-time-ever I want to be excellent.
I simply HATE not being able to perform, I hate feeling "I can't".
This week I was writing text for Annual Report. 24 pages in Russian and English. I'm not satisfied, for sure. I think I could ask somebody for feedback. I could write better.
It was the first time when I tried it.
So, the main learning from the process is "enjoy the learning process":)
***

About two amazing personalities who read my blog.

I like to talk to Ira. She supports me when I behave the Most Stupid Girl in the world: feel guilty because can't save the world right now. "Supports" - I mean that she tells me "stop it! life is beautiful". I love when she is emotional and says smth like:
"pri etom po otdelnosti oni zamechatelnye liudi, a vtroem oni pridurki..."


Sasha is the person whom I'd really like to work with. And his essay is the only brilliant thing in the shit I call "annual report". Sasha is the person whom I learn from. Whom I haven't seen since NY party "blue sofa".

to remember this days

I feel like cleaning my table, putting books on the shelves in order, washing & ironing all my clothes. There are some small things which take our attention, which disturb us when we are doing smth big and great. I feel, that my extremely intensive life will become much easier, if I manage to delete all the stuff I don't need, but still keep with me.
***

I need to share somewhere: the most popular phrase for the last days is "i feel unexperienced & that's great feeling!".
So do I. Annual repor preparation took much more time than I expected, but I love this work. And I again have the passion to do my best. I can explain - the measurement of "doing your best" in managing the team, working on strategies is non-physical. You can't touch it. Annual report booklet you can. And all the misprintings, mistakes with logo, wrong translation, quality if photos is in your hands and even your children can see it in many years. So, a kind of problem that I see in MC work now is that you can't clearly see your result. Even if you failed in implementing the strategy, it will stay for you for some time and then go from you memory. You can't check it in 10 years.
What could be the results we see? Or what should be the process of learning for person from creating concrete results to managing untangible?
***

Transition has started & I love the process. Kowledge delievered by currents are exactly what I wanted to see. General feeling is that the level is really high. People are much more smart that I expected - and that's amazing! It helps me trust them more.
And I learn a lot. The motivation is not only my MCP term, but the things I'm going to do after it & the ways I'm going to use my experience.
***

Message from Ivan is cool. Ira applied. Kristina has relevant background & generally interested in ER in Russia. I WANT to apply for this event & that's the first thing I want so much since...
Inna invited me to the cinema. We have meeting with Gosha. School people meeting on thursday.
Other questions to anwer: family, studies, work, journalism.

Everything sounds cool.

Dreaming the sunrise

New post in ten days. And topic is almost the same. I'm again working at night. But that's not the reason I'm writing.
It'll be a bit about people. A LOT about people. Only about people.
When it becomes too difficult to keep eyes open at 3 a.m., I start thinking about those whom I love. Who are may be far from me. Or few hours by train. I imagine their faces, their voices, I imagine them being happy. And that's make life a bit easier.
The reason I'm writing here is that they don't know how much I love them, how much I just want to hug, to look attentively at the faces, to close eyes and listen to the sound of voice.
I don't tell a lot "I love you". Why?
***

Thanks for Ira (and I have no idea, how you've found this blog, darling:) for reminding this famous Steve Jobs' speach. There are some things which I hate because they are too common for aiesecers. Kind of a "list of wise things". 7 habits & other-shit-you-must-read-see-do-before-you-become-exaiesecer. And CEO of Apple2, may be? Or not?
I value experiences. He created Apple at his parent's house. What did YOU already do. What are the thing you have been fighting for? Why are YOU the hero, the person who are right guy to make these kind of speaches?
But anyway Jobs is awesome.
***

2,5 hours of meeting with a guy who suppose to teach us to think in a different way. To use approach which'll allow us to solve basic problems. I don't like his shirt. And trousers were too short. Does this mean anything? Or smart & successful person not necessary is good looking & stylish? The answer is obvious. And, yes, I'm guilty in paying a lot of attention to the appearance (top 3 guys-who-are-perfect-in-official-clothes: Sasha Annaev, Dey & Deniss).
***

Next ten days will show a lot. Marina was right, the middle of April will be hot.

Hero with pencil & bicycle

Results of the weekend are much better than I expected.
On Saturday - a bit of magic.
I put our flipchart board (how this thing is really called) in the center of the room, found a lamp, took my pencils, paints, photos of my friends and... yes, for the few hours I was drawing. It's so amazing when your body remember some things and you realize it only when you do it. Swimming is like that, or dancing viennese waltz (correct spelling?) - actually, I don't remember more ball dances. But can dance with good partner, only following him. The last one was Laci in Hungary...Ok, back to Saturday.
Line by line I was creating faces, choosing colours, putting shadows. I felt kind of inner happiness, as I was back to myself.
My mother sometimes calls me "fan", cause I'm totally "in" what I'm doing at the moment, what I love. To be sincere, it's incredibly hard for me to keep balance in life. So, I can easily forget things that I can, that I did, that I'm good at. I never use it for promo or building "personal brand". But I probably should.
So, the result may be not perfect for professionals. But it's awesome for me. I put the picture on the wall near my table (close to the list of the cities I want to go to, photo from Kyrgyzstan with amazing mountaines, transition schedule & Kolb's learning circle). I've put it as a reminder for myself - what else I can do except being Aisecer:)
***

Sunday was much more lazy. No! Common, I've opened "bicycle season" in the park! (a bit dirty, but still inspiring). And started to put my Cairo notes to livejournal. And found notes from 21 day long trip to Siberia & Ural. That's againg what I can do. May be not perfect for professionals...shit! It's the area in which I supposed to be professional.
***

Masha came back from some NGO conference, Lesha was online yesterday & decided to come to Moscow on Wednesday. They are together now. And, guys, they are so, so, so nice (I can't find right word).
And I'm really miss him & our random talks & complains (which two successful people can share with each other), our jokes & stories from the past. Talking to him I realized once again what is friendship and how much it means for me. And what you need to go through toghether to call person a "friend".
I remember the moment I've fallen in love with him. I remeber how we were walking all night long in St.Pete drinking wine, and another bottle of wine in Novosibirsk right after my first MC elections. I remember the seminar which we created in July'05 - and it was starting point for too many personal stories that I have no space to mention all of them. I remember Cristmas year ago when I almost missed my plane to Koenig, when I was angry, tired, lonely. I remember walk in the forest to the gulf (we didn't find it), when we talked a lot. I remeber jazz hall on my birthday & tickets to Moscow he bought to me and a lot of, a lot of random talks again. And ppt he made for me after my MCP speach. The only person who could make fucking funny ppt about serious things I was sharing. I even remember first Mars chocolate shared. I remember. Because I love him so much.
I've told to CEE MCPs, when we were sitting on the beach, that I have smth in my memory about each of them. And I do. I love people. That's the thing I shouldn't forget. Cause it's much more complicated to remind than simple drawing.

Back to Moscow

Friday evening, all plans for the week have "done" status. Mission is completed.
And I have NO IDEA what to do next two days. I promised myself not to work (you know, some ppl practice meditation, me - not working on weekends).
***

Yesterday I experienced few things:

- drinking beer online with Ira & discussing male part of IPM. Nice. Question about my personal life (or its absence) is here again.
- reading blogs of people whom I now know personally. Sometimes wanted to cry, sometimes to hug.
- talking to Marina about religion. I want to read the main Books of three religions. Cause now I still can't define my attitude.
***

Marina & Katya left for Expro. Chat with Victor. They are brilliant. They are stubborn. They will miss their countries. They'll understand how much they need & miss parents, friends. How important that somebody loves you. What means to give 100%. To be tired. To paint the walls in our flat. To cry together. To feel Russia. To be afraid. To be responsible. To be themselves.
***

Back to my weekend. No work. No movies-all-day-long. No msn.
Have no fucking idea what I will be doing.