Contraversial feelings: Ira may be will fly from London to Morocco in Feb, I am sitting in a very beautiful house in Marrakesh, looking at swimming pool and listening to one very talented young russian poet.
I didnt do almost anything today - yesterday, calling to my father (20 dirhams for 6 minutes, three hours difference, + 9 degree outside in small city Settat) just to remind about one of my requests, Ive heard from him that my grandma died. I walked 50 meteres to Yassins appartements, went to my room and was crying, crying, crying. He was hugging me; telling that I am stronger than it.
I am asking the God, what for? Why? Why by call or sms from thousands kilometers away, I learn about someones death? You never know, but last time it happened just half a year ago, when I was in Poland, at the first day of the conference. Now - right in the middle of the LC visits. Tell me, why? To save myself from fear and sleepless nights through my responsibility towards those, who are alive? To have more angels around, who can make me smile, can hug me, bring a cup of hot tea? Why?
Marina and unexpectedly Vlada in skype yesterday, thank you so much for your words.
My train to Marrakesh was almost 1 hour late, at midnight, my mp3 player didnt work, so I spent 2,5 hours alone, hiding under sleeping mask that Boni gave me as a present. Night sightseeing tour by car: medina, Mamounia, Kutubia, red walls around - totally different, than Rabat. Room, climate system, two blankets, I am alone at home.
I will send outputs, but I dont want to do anything right now, ok? May I have some time? What should I learn? Is it a "school" for keeping balance in any situation? I was so self-confident and happy, I was approving members in myaiesec.net, I was... Everything sounds like an excuse not to work today, but give me time, dear, give me time. There is no time, only "now", so what are u asking for, babe?
***
I bought tickets and went to Neman, to visit her, just for four days in august, we were drawing on the big map her War experinces, she remembered even the names of small stations near Krasnoyarsk, she presented me sleeping dress, and eventhough I dont like to sleep in clothes, I did it for her, I bought photoframes to put our family pictures, she was calling to my Mom, eventhough my parents divorced more than 10 years ago and dont even want hear about each other, and my mother respected her so much, she was the one, who took me-baby in her hands soon after I was born, she was asking me about boyfriend and I asked her to live at least till my children would go to school. Last year she visited all her 5 children and 2 sisters in different cities in Russia. I know, that memories will make me cry, but thats the only thing I still have, I am afraid to stay alone and I dont whant to see anyone, because I cant bother them crying.
I am so far from my family, my mom who lost her job and my dad who lost his mother. I cant sit and cry with my aunt, just hug her and dont explain how I feel.
***
Ja sizhu v krasivom dome v marrakeshe naprotiv bassejna i voju, skulu, kak sobaka.
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