Missing Sense of Life somewhere in Jet lag

It's extremely difficult for me to write in english now. Two reasons for it:
- after EuroCo I feel that my level of english is "not enough".
- i feel like i'm putting pieces of Lego together: nice, intersting but will never be real cosy house that you can create from match-boxes.
***

Today I woke up at 7 a.m. , disappointed, sad, loosing sense of life.
It happens sometimes: I look at Myself and can't find anything to love this person for. I look at all my mistakes, failures, "not dones" and feel "not good enough" to be with people who call me "friend", "daughter", "president".

Istanbul in my heart

IC is again the experience which turns everything up side down and creates from "me-material" something totally different.
Few dozens of munites ago it was hardly raining in Istanbul after almost 10 extremely hot days.
We were sitting in cafeteria talking to John from Canada about "how is it - when you see your LCPs three times a year..." and the rain was falling... I see MCPs more often that LCPs.
It's an amazing experience - better than anything I could imagine. Life is beautiful. lights of Istanbul at night, Bosphorus in the morning. I feel like on the island in the ocean - isolation. When you starting to learn from yourdelf. It seems, that I'm becoming more and more self-focused...

Midnight talks

Yesterday's evening (even night) was amazing: I took a cup of mint tea and we continued conversation with Katya at the playground in the yard. We started it in the shopping center, eating susi after almost one month of silence.

Why silence?

She told me almost the same things as Deniss wrote after Summeet - concerning our team, relations, people's feelings. But I've had some time to think about it already, so it didn't hurt so much. Actually, I re-discovered for myself the power of talking to people. Asking questions and being truly interested. In a flood of stupid administrative work I sometimes miss the feeling of Life.

The thing we discussed at the playground was "the way to challenge". Generally, the conclusion is simple: sometimes you are challenged when you don't expect at all, but you can increase the number of challenges by creating new experiences for yourself. And it should be the way you like the most: talking to people (as Katya Kh.), participating in all possible task forces and working groups (as I do), extreme sports (some of my friends). If the experience of deep conversation doesn't mean so much for you, go for smth else! I noticed, that I often judge my experience using the criteria of others which is totally not right.

I still can't imagine IC. I already have a lot of working meetings, but what I need is smth more spiritual, than "how to work with growth center". Probably, I'll not apply for Diversity Management just to keep some time for myself. Fuck off.

Today I was doing almost nothing (conciously), except talking to Lena and replying some mails. I went to the cinema (movie Stardust), bought green skirt (I miss red t-shirt! And sunglasses!) and ate a half of the cake (my dinner).

About "Stardust" - one moment which almost made my cry: heroes are going to one place, to get smth important for each of them and there is fucking beautiful landscape and extremely strong feelings (whatever was it: love, willing of power, anger...) When did I have such a strong feelings last time? My closest friend is my laptop. I saw lanscape which made me gasp in Egypt last time. Not so bad, but I don't want my life to be like this.

Sunday sea dreams

I planned to work today. It's already 1 p.m., I'm still reading my notes from university, trying to strengthen the intention to graduate finally this year.

Topic of my relations with university is very painful still... Ok, starting the story from the very beginning:

I started my 10 amazing schoolyears earlier than my classmates, as I have a birthday in autumn and was smart enough to pass exams to the best school in the city when I was 6. I always was a good pupil - not really hard-working, but smart, curious, talkative and that's usually enough for school, even such cool one as I had. I also was striving for more than endless homeworks - sports, dancing classes, intellectual competitions. In secondary school I was involved in many extra-curriculum activities which finally influenced my grades in diploma (or how is this document called?). I was not excellent, cause I didn't put ANY efforts in studying, I was just very good and had fun. I was not among the most popular girls or bookworms. I was (and, hopefully am) the person you'll never mix with someone else. Unique. I was building my life in a special way, unconsiously. Probably, I'd be nice character for some hollywood movie (romantic one) as a best-friend of the Girl:)

So, I am perfectionist in a way... Ok, as I was accepting anything but the best in my life (if write in school newspaper that to have personal column at first page and special awards at annual ceremony...) I decided to pass exams to the only University - Moscow State, faculty of journalism which is the best in the country. I became a student. It was also easy. (Later I entered two more universities: PR department in Krasnodar Technical University and Sociology in State University of Management. But quit because one was boring, another didn't want me to study in Moscow at the same time).

So, first and second years were ok. After I found smth more interesting to do in life. Work in PR-agency, in AIESEC, travel a lot (right during exams time). And I found out that I suck in "must do" things which I don't care about. My university was already thinking if they need such a student - showing up once a year, passing exam with good mark and leaving in unknown direction.

The situiation is still the same - I have a looong list of exams to pass and just 15 + 15 days during next 4 months when I will be in Moscow. It doesn't mean that I'm free - I still have some MCP job to do:) But at least city is the same.

Why is the topic painful? Because all the aiesecers manage to study very good, sometimes even in two universities. And me, such a smart girl, who is still going higher with her dreams, who is ready to conqure the world, is the Worst Student Ever.



Here is my confession. True. You can delete me from your friendlist now.

Spagetti with garlic

Again here. It was advice from Marjam to make this blog more "alive".
I hate my writing in english, but it's the only way to see h0w small is my vocabulary and how much I should practice. If I want one day to write something except AIESEC manuals.
It was long and boring introduction. Sorry for that, Marjam, probably you thought it'd be better:)
***

Chatting with Ira always brings me some positive emotions:
- discussing top-10 IPM guys with beer, sitting in two different countries
- hugging virtually, althoug I know, that when girl says "I want somebody hugs me" she doesn't mean me:)
- remembering one-year-ago Poland, long way from dorm to plenary, short phrases, rain...

There are some people who make me smile and believe in myself. Why not everybody does?
***

Deniss just moved to the new flat. Hope, he can see mountains from the window. Just because I know it'll make him feel good. You see, there are moments when I'm so positive that just want to spread it around. A bit of sleep, few conversations and sunny day. That's it.
And I'll even notice the hands touching my shoulder when I'm sad, I'll feel how much I want to dance doesn't matter how good I am in dancing, how easy I can tell...
***

Turkey seems to happen in a week. We still don't have money (issues with bank accout) and I have no idea how to borrow more than 13000 euro from alumni. Shit.

A year

After "getting wasted" part of creating Vision with my MC team Marina and me were coming back home - drunk, happy, discussing guys. I could never imagine that in one year my attitude to some people will change so much.
I switched on my laptop, as usual, as I do anytime I enter this flat which is my "home" for almost a year already. Marjam was online. She is one of the most amazing people I've met at IPM. And Albert was online.
The main thing that happend with me in 06/07: people.

A.R.

Even doing something the-first-time-ever I want to be excellent.
I simply HATE not being able to perform, I hate feeling "I can't".
This week I was writing text for Annual Report. 24 pages in Russian and English. I'm not satisfied, for sure. I think I could ask somebody for feedback. I could write better.
It was the first time when I tried it.
So, the main learning from the process is "enjoy the learning process":)
***

About two amazing personalities who read my blog.

I like to talk to Ira. She supports me when I behave the Most Stupid Girl in the world: feel guilty because can't save the world right now. "Supports" - I mean that she tells me "stop it! life is beautiful". I love when she is emotional and says smth like:
"pri etom po otdelnosti oni zamechatelnye liudi, a vtroem oni pridurki..."


Sasha is the person whom I'd really like to work with. And his essay is the only brilliant thing in the shit I call "annual report". Sasha is the person whom I learn from. Whom I haven't seen since NY party "blue sofa".

to remember this days

I feel like cleaning my table, putting books on the shelves in order, washing & ironing all my clothes. There are some small things which take our attention, which disturb us when we are doing smth big and great. I feel, that my extremely intensive life will become much easier, if I manage to delete all the stuff I don't need, but still keep with me.
***

I need to share somewhere: the most popular phrase for the last days is "i feel unexperienced & that's great feeling!".
So do I. Annual repor preparation took much more time than I expected, but I love this work. And I again have the passion to do my best. I can explain - the measurement of "doing your best" in managing the team, working on strategies is non-physical. You can't touch it. Annual report booklet you can. And all the misprintings, mistakes with logo, wrong translation, quality if photos is in your hands and even your children can see it in many years. So, a kind of problem that I see in MC work now is that you can't clearly see your result. Even if you failed in implementing the strategy, it will stay for you for some time and then go from you memory. You can't check it in 10 years.
What could be the results we see? Or what should be the process of learning for person from creating concrete results to managing untangible?
***

Transition has started & I love the process. Kowledge delievered by currents are exactly what I wanted to see. General feeling is that the level is really high. People are much more smart that I expected - and that's amazing! It helps me trust them more.
And I learn a lot. The motivation is not only my MCP term, but the things I'm going to do after it & the ways I'm going to use my experience.
***

Message from Ivan is cool. Ira applied. Kristina has relevant background & generally interested in ER in Russia. I WANT to apply for this event & that's the first thing I want so much since...
Inna invited me to the cinema. We have meeting with Gosha. School people meeting on thursday.
Other questions to anwer: family, studies, work, journalism.

Everything sounds cool.

Dreaming the sunrise

New post in ten days. And topic is almost the same. I'm again working at night. But that's not the reason I'm writing.
It'll be a bit about people. A LOT about people. Only about people.
When it becomes too difficult to keep eyes open at 3 a.m., I start thinking about those whom I love. Who are may be far from me. Or few hours by train. I imagine their faces, their voices, I imagine them being happy. And that's make life a bit easier.
The reason I'm writing here is that they don't know how much I love them, how much I just want to hug, to look attentively at the faces, to close eyes and listen to the sound of voice.
I don't tell a lot "I love you". Why?
***

Thanks for Ira (and I have no idea, how you've found this blog, darling:) for reminding this famous Steve Jobs' speach. There are some things which I hate because they are too common for aiesecers. Kind of a "list of wise things". 7 habits & other-shit-you-must-read-see-do-before-you-become-exaiesecer. And CEO of Apple2, may be? Or not?
I value experiences. He created Apple at his parent's house. What did YOU already do. What are the thing you have been fighting for? Why are YOU the hero, the person who are right guy to make these kind of speaches?
But anyway Jobs is awesome.
***

2,5 hours of meeting with a guy who suppose to teach us to think in a different way. To use approach which'll allow us to solve basic problems. I don't like his shirt. And trousers were too short. Does this mean anything? Or smart & successful person not necessary is good looking & stylish? The answer is obvious. And, yes, I'm guilty in paying a lot of attention to the appearance (top 3 guys-who-are-perfect-in-official-clothes: Sasha Annaev, Dey & Deniss).
***

Next ten days will show a lot. Marina was right, the middle of April will be hot.

Hero with pencil & bicycle

Results of the weekend are much better than I expected.
On Saturday - a bit of magic.
I put our flipchart board (how this thing is really called) in the center of the room, found a lamp, took my pencils, paints, photos of my friends and... yes, for the few hours I was drawing. It's so amazing when your body remember some things and you realize it only when you do it. Swimming is like that, or dancing viennese waltz (correct spelling?) - actually, I don't remember more ball dances. But can dance with good partner, only following him. The last one was Laci in Hungary...Ok, back to Saturday.
Line by line I was creating faces, choosing colours, putting shadows. I felt kind of inner happiness, as I was back to myself.
My mother sometimes calls me "fan", cause I'm totally "in" what I'm doing at the moment, what I love. To be sincere, it's incredibly hard for me to keep balance in life. So, I can easily forget things that I can, that I did, that I'm good at. I never use it for promo or building "personal brand". But I probably should.
So, the result may be not perfect for professionals. But it's awesome for me. I put the picture on the wall near my table (close to the list of the cities I want to go to, photo from Kyrgyzstan with amazing mountaines, transition schedule & Kolb's learning circle). I've put it as a reminder for myself - what else I can do except being Aisecer:)
***

Sunday was much more lazy. No! Common, I've opened "bicycle season" in the park! (a bit dirty, but still inspiring). And started to put my Cairo notes to livejournal. And found notes from 21 day long trip to Siberia & Ural. That's againg what I can do. May be not perfect for professionals...shit! It's the area in which I supposed to be professional.
***

Masha came back from some NGO conference, Lesha was online yesterday & decided to come to Moscow on Wednesday. They are together now. And, guys, they are so, so, so nice (I can't find right word).
And I'm really miss him & our random talks & complains (which two successful people can share with each other), our jokes & stories from the past. Talking to him I realized once again what is friendship and how much it means for me. And what you need to go through toghether to call person a "friend".
I remember the moment I've fallen in love with him. I remeber how we were walking all night long in St.Pete drinking wine, and another bottle of wine in Novosibirsk right after my first MC elections. I remember the seminar which we created in July'05 - and it was starting point for too many personal stories that I have no space to mention all of them. I remember Cristmas year ago when I almost missed my plane to Koenig, when I was angry, tired, lonely. I remember walk in the forest to the gulf (we didn't find it), when we talked a lot. I remeber jazz hall on my birthday & tickets to Moscow he bought to me and a lot of, a lot of random talks again. And ppt he made for me after my MCP speach. The only person who could make fucking funny ppt about serious things I was sharing. I even remember first Mars chocolate shared. I remember. Because I love him so much.
I've told to CEE MCPs, when we were sitting on the beach, that I have smth in my memory about each of them. And I do. I love people. That's the thing I shouldn't forget. Cause it's much more complicated to remind than simple drawing.

Back to Moscow

Friday evening, all plans for the week have "done" status. Mission is completed.
And I have NO IDEA what to do next two days. I promised myself not to work (you know, some ppl practice meditation, me - not working on weekends).
***

Yesterday I experienced few things:

- drinking beer online with Ira & discussing male part of IPM. Nice. Question about my personal life (or its absence) is here again.
- reading blogs of people whom I now know personally. Sometimes wanted to cry, sometimes to hug.
- talking to Marina about religion. I want to read the main Books of three religions. Cause now I still can't define my attitude.
***

Marina & Katya left for Expro. Chat with Victor. They are brilliant. They are stubborn. They will miss their countries. They'll understand how much they need & miss parents, friends. How important that somebody loves you. What means to give 100%. To be tired. To paint the walls in our flat. To cry together. To feel Russia. To be afraid. To be responsible. To be themselves.
***

Back to my weekend. No work. No movies-all-day-long. No msn.
Have no fucking idea what I will be doing.

Few lines

Cairo, Egypt.
Hello, here I am, white woman, 22 years old, Russian.

Few minutes ago I've realized how challenging will be my year. Welcome to the jungle, dear!

Damn!

Everything sounds so BIG (ha-ha, funny:), but it is so.

Snowy steps

Ghost city - Chelyabinsk.
Life makes a circle, life puts two parallel lines of my story together to make me New person. To add smth to Me. M-E. Seems to be so simple!
***

I've bought vitamins, valerianka & some stomach pills in pharmacy- eat all this stuff three times per day. You don't need to loose hand or leg to feel ruined.
***

Delegates are here. 25 people from NSU who broke my heart, each of them has a piece, a memory, a face-shot.

I'm almost crying now of feeling...full?
***

Things to remember:
- girl in cat-head which made me laugh loudly in the bus
- jokes at the faci meetings
- 50 people who are in the train Right Now & paid totally 16 000$ to come here. To pay back to them - is not about money. But If you don't feel important enough, see the numbers above.
***

Florian seems to be interesting & much more "my" person that I thought in the beginning.
***

3 people from AIESEC SPUEF got injured in the car accident. It MAY happen with my friends. Again - feel the life, my dear.

How to apply Kolb's theory?

Analysed my strengths. What changed since May?
I grew a lot in: Love of learning, Love, Kindness & Generosity, Teamwork, Forgiveness.
But drop in Enthusiasm & energy.
Ha-ha!
I've become kind & half-dead cucumber.
***

I was betrayed by my favourite green sweater. I washed it two times & it still has strange yellow spots.
***

Few hours of thinking about myself worth it.
My mother is absolutely right: "Nobody has right to judge you", "Nastya, without fanatism, please", "You are the gift of the God". Definetly, I am!
***

The easiest way to make me work is to ask "Do it for me, please". My work should either make me happy right now or has concrete positive influence on the other person (second factor is even stronger).

People

It's never an easy choice.
When you select almost everybody people may think that you haven't been thinking even a minute. It's fucking wrong!

But choice is made. Challenge is taken. Next year I'll be working with 13 interesting personalities. Just find 2 more.